Dear Henry Morgan

Dear Henry Morgan aka Captain Morgan,
  Hey friend! I would ask how your doing but I know you're off somewhere cool just being awesome. I've always wondered what awesome people do when their not being awesome? Then I realized awesome people are even awesome when their sleeping so that never happens! Silly me. I miss you, I wish we could hang out more but you know how things go. I am still waiting for a special occasion to wear the best t-shirt-ever-made you gave me in Vegas. I want to save it for a day when me and you can put in some good quality one on one time. I really have missed you lately no joke, with my recent decrease in cash flow I have to save you for special occasions. I miss our long nights hitting the dance floor and me bending my back low. Then the after-parties where you kept us going until the sun came up and sometimes even after that. Do you remember that one night at that place?! Good because neither do I, oh those were the good ole days. Please forgive me for momentarily replacing you with Burnett's spiced rum I had to do it. I felt so guilty buying it, I lost a little bit of the pirate in me that day. The main point of me writing this was to apologize to you then I remembered all those nights when you sucker punched me and I woke up in pain. So when you factor that in I think we are even. Hope you having fun spreading the Captain lifestyle everywhere you go making friends and making it happen. I will see you soon I promise, Halloween is just around the corner and I'll give you one try to guess what I'm going as this year :)
Striking the pose just for you,
AFon

Dear Radio Stations

Dear Radio Stations,
   Music is one of my favorite things in the entire world. I don't think a day goes by without me listening to music in some form. If I don't listen to my Ipod then I listen to cds or I watch performances on Youtube and sometimes when I absolutely have too I listen to you. It's not that I don't like you it's just that I don't like you that much. Your awesome because you have concerts and giveaways which are never bad things, it's just you can kill a song. Not just kill a song you can murder it to the point where I cringe when I hear it. I don't know how you guys go about picking the songs you play throughout the day but since there are millions of songs out there can't you limit the times a song is played each day? There is no good reason to play the same ten songs every hour on the hour. I am only in my car maybe a total of 20 minutes a day broken up over two rides and somehow I can easily predict the songs that are going to play on my little drive. Over the last month every time I get in the car I hear Eminem & Rhianna Love the way you Lie, OneRepublic Secrets, Katy Perry Teenage Dream, Bruno Mars Just the way you are, or Paramore Only Exception. I am not writing you this letter because I don't like these songs I am writing it because I do like them. I want to keep liking them so I am requesting you to cut back just a little bit on overplaying them. No song should be played more than 20 times in a 24 hour period, make that a rule you live by and I think we will get along just fine.
Laters,
AFon

Dear College Textbooks

Dear College Textbooks,
   I have gotten to know you pretty well with me being a professional student and all but I still do not understand the little system you have going on. I agree you are a much needed asset in learning when the teacher actually uses you so I am not doubting you relevance. I am questioning why in the world I should pay hundreds of dollars of my future money on you? Don't say oh I can sell you back at the end of the semester when you know that I will be lucky to get back 10% of what I paid for you. Doesn't make any gosh darn sense, I wouldn't complain if I could get back half of what I paid or if I didn't know that somebody else is going to make more money off of selling the book I just got 5 dollars for. There should be more than a ten dollar difference between a used book and the new one. You don't see Goodwill trying to charge a dollar less then what the clothes cost new or used car places charging a hundred dollars less then the new dealerships charge do you? No because that would be dumb. And do you really need to come with so many freaking new editions? I am pretty sure if I compared your first edition to the twentieth the only difference would be a few sentences. Help a student out, do not make a new edition unless you are adding a substantial amount of information that has to be known and it better be equal to a minimum of 30 new pages. Textbook authors I know you need to make a profit for all your hard research and work but lets be honest you know your overcharging. You know there is no reason to release a new edition every year except for you to charge more. So textbooks please think of the poor students who might not get jobs when they graduate next time you want to release a new edition that is all I ask. :)
Thanks buddy,
AFon

......Some friends you might recognize! I am pretty sure I won't want or need these ever again unless I get a sudden urge to do some statistics for fun. We all know that is never going to happen.

Dear American Idol

Dear American Idol,

    I see you are making some big changes for next season which are very much needed. Last season was pretty unexciting and a continued step down the hill you've been walking on ever since season one. Season one was the best season because the contestants sang. They sang without all the gimmicky montages or celebrity mentors that really don't do much. I can honestly say that season one is the only season I ever voted on, my sisters and I actually recorded every episode on videotape. Well I voted until Tamyra Grey got kicked off but looking back that New Attitude performance would be hard for anybody to recover from.
    For the past  8 seasons I have DVR'ed most episodes but have ended up fast forwarding through most of the show because it wasn't good. This year I am giving you another chance because I want to believe you can be better than you have been, I have faith in you. Just please do not spend 100% of the auditions telling sob stories and showcasing nutjobs. We want to hear good singers! Use the rule of quarters this season 25% sob stories where the singers are good, 25% sob stories where the singers are bad, 25% of the delusional crazies, and 25%  should just be the singers that don't really have sob stories so we don't see them but they make it to Hollywood. Next I am begging you cut back on the creepy Ford and Coca-Cola sing a longs they are weird. Also the groups performances on the results show should only be allowed if their singing live otherwise they are unnecessary.
   I promise I will watch this season with an open mind but there is only so much terribleness a girl can take so you better come back right. Make sure your new judges keep it real and don't come with the sugarcoated judging Paula was prone too. The whole reason the show worked so well was because Simon never failed to produce hilarious one liners. Thats why I will miss Simon, he had good taste and only liked the performances that were actually good.
See you later,
AFon
I had to pay tribute to some of the good advice Simon gave out, I don't know how this season will be without him :(

Dear Old Guys at bars

Dear Old Guys at Bars,

I get that you might be lonely or bored or whatever so I don't want to discourage you from being social but I do have some concerns. Well not concerns, more like a few suggestions. One would be that girl who is the same age as your daughter will never in her life hook up with you and if she does it is only because she has daddy issues which will require you to pay for all her bills then when she is out of debt she will . I know Hugh Hefner has given you hope that young girls can really fall in love with super old dudes but you need to realize he is the exception. The rule is young girls do not and will not go home with you. They will take the free drinks you offer and maybe a little conversation but aside from that you should expect nothing else. Realize after you buy a drink you can talk for a little bit then you should leave unless invited to stay. I'm not being mean but do not think rubbing on a girls shoulder or continuing to keep the free drinks coming will increase you chances. There is not enough alcohol in the world for me to go home with somebody with a cane. Hugh Hefner has huge amounts of money and throws amazing parties, still I cringe at the thought of hooking up with him. All those girls saying they seriously want to marry him are delusional and oppurtunists. So old guys at bars please know what boundaries are and please add ten years to your youngest daughters age before even thinking about trying to hit on anyone because thats just not right.
Later,
AFon

Dear Snuggie

Dear Snuggie,
    First off let me just say I am a fan and also a proud owner. I will admit in the beginning I was skeptical mostly because in the commercial when the old guy is freezing on the bleachers while everyone else is nice and warm doing the wave in their snuggies. Everyone is just rubbing their warmth in the poor guys face, good thing it was sunny out or he probably would've gotten hypothermia. Anyway after I saw how much my sister, friends, and dog enjoyed their snuggies I knew I had to get one. Now I take my zebra print snuggie everywhere I go, from Indiana to Vegas to Georgia with my hands free the whole time.
   Now Snuggie or blanket with sleeves whatever you want to be called. I like Snuggie better personally but I get you need to change it up every now and then. I get you need to grow hence the new commercials and designs. Your going to have everyone singing "Get on your snug-gieee" and doing the Snugarena. I support your growth but I want it to be positive so I wanted to make some minor suggestions. Camo Snuggie is just not flattering or good for people who get lost while camping. Also the outdoor and sherpa snuggies are not going to work, I mean you already dominate the blanket market but I don't see you eliminating this other little invention called a jacket.
   I hope you think about my suggestions and keep up the good work. I already am planning on getting a designer Snuggie in tie-dye so I can rotate. I also need to say thanks for being there when I was cold and needed to have my hands free to read or do homework or hold my beer I really do appreciate it.
P.S. Have you thought about doing a beer bottle Snuggie? Now that is innovation I can support.
Oh and Snuggie......

Dear Blu-ray's

Dear Blu-ray's,
       I personally own over 50 of your older brother which some people like to refer to as DVDs. Dvds work well for me because there is no rewinding and they take up less space. These are the main reasons why when dvds sent videotapes to the graveyard I didn't put up too much of a fight. Even though my former collection of videotapes was pretty impressive if I do say so myself.
    This letter is to ask you how long you are going to be around. I don't mean to be rude or try to push you off your newly acquired throne but I hate to invest in anything thats not going to last. You seem to be the next step in the continual progression of home entertainment. I was born in the 80's so I once went to videotapes and VCR's for my home viewing pleasure, now with that extinct I question if I should continue buying DVD's or start the slow "upgrade" to you if that is where I am going to be forced to go. I mean if DVD players are going to be around for say another 50 years then that would be good enough for me but if they are going to start disappearing I would like to know now so that I can stop buying them. I know you probably think your going to be around forever but lets be honest your going to be obsolete someday too. A win-win situation for me would be if both you and DVD's were the only ones out there to choose from because then I won't have to worry about the day coming when I can't watch my seasons of Grey's Anatomy anymore because I can't buy a DVD player.
   I was just wanting to see if you knew about any future competition that I should be worried about. For now I'm going to stick with DVD's no offense to you but I am not sold on you yet. Yes, you are super clear but other than that what else do you have going for you, seems to me your just a DVD with a few accessories. But if you stop trying to take over and push your brother into extinction then I could learn to like you one day.
Me and my DVD collection thank you!